Grief is a process that is hard to understand and even harder to cope with. It is a heavy burden to bear and can feel like an insurmountable challenge when we're in its throes. Through the deep waves of grief, it can become all-consuming and even paralyzing at times and in many seasons it can be incredibly difficult to envision how we can pull ourselves out of this dark place and begin functioning 'normally' again. What we know of grief, and the reason for this article, is to highlight that whilst there is no way to stop the heavy waves of grief hitting us, there are ways to find comfort within the wave. There can be moments of comfort along the journey and this article explores the different ways that we can all find moments of solace, peace and comfort in order to build a healthier relationship with our emotions.
1. Grief will always be a part of us
Grief is an emotion that we will all experience at some point in our lives, but more than this it is an experience that will never truly leave us. A common misconception about grief is that it is with us in the first few weeks, maybe months after the loss of a loved one and then it is 'supposed to go away' or 'disappear'. We work through the emotions, we move past them and we get to a point where we can get on with life. When this doesn't happen, and we still feel gripped by the emotions of grief, this can feel very disconcerting and can create a vast array of secondary emotions. Feeling overwhelmed, confused, anxious, stressed and deflated are all secondary emotions from having unrealistic perceptions of what grief really is and how long it lasts. The truth is, grief will always be a part of us. It never leaves us, it never goes away. We don't say this lightly and we're conscious that it isn't the most reassuring statement to make by any means - but it's true. The faster that we can come to terms with grief being a core part of who we are, the more likely we are to get to a place where we can feel comfortable with having grief in our lives and ultimately being able to better manage our emotions surrounding grief.
2. Grief is like an ocean
Instead of thinking of grief as a serious of emotions that peak at the start and then gradually fade over time, we prefer to think of grief like an ocean. It runs deep, wide, and is unpredictable. It can crash against us with its overwhelming intensity and then ebb away softly in moments of stillness. The intensity of a large wave crashing over us from nowhere can give way to the same ocean then becoming incredibly calm, tranquil and peaceful. The waves of grief are intense and difficult to manage. Do we run straight towards it? Run away from it? Do we have others surrounding us to support us when it hits or are we alone and fighting this force to no avail? The large waves of grief are often met with our high level of reactiveness and impulsiveness. Such intensity is met with intense response. We have no time to consider how we react because we didn't see it coming. These waves of grief hit us when we least expect it and we can't prepare for it. Conversely, those still moments of tranquillity when the waves have subsided and the waters are gently lapping up against the shoreline, give us peace and rest and allow us moments of reprieve to think, reflect, reminisce. Too often we don't allow ourselves to take the time to be in the stillness. It's in the stillness that we can center ourselves, understand how we feel, listen to ourselves and what we need in that moment. Too often it's in the calm waters that we allow the busy-ness of life to take over and we get swept away in the day-to-day before we get hit by another wave shortly after. This can be exhausting and we often here this referred to as the feeling of drowning in grief. It's easy to see how difficult it can be to become comfortable in our grief when we don't allow ourselves the time to rest in the stillness.
3. Rest in the stillness
It can be hard to find peace when you are grieving. Our lives become filled with a whirlwind of emotions that feel all-consuming, and it can seem impossible to find any sort of respite or relief from the pain. But amidst this chaotic time, there is stillness –– a place where we can go to take a break from our grief. The stillness isn’t necessarily about forgetting or ignoring your feelings; it’s about giving yourself permission to rest in your sorrow without feeling guilty for needing a moment away from the intensity. Grief is an individual experience, and there is no right way to grieve or process your emotions. The stillness allows you the time needed to process what you're going through. When was the last time you allowed yourself to just be still? What did that feel like? What did you do? Where were you? How did your body feel? The stillness is an important part of not only your own mental health but also you ability to really connect with how you're feeling and what to do about it. Take some time out this week from the noise.
4. All oceans have been on a journey
The grieving process can be a long, difficult journey. Every person experiences grief differently; some people feel it as a sudden wave of sorrow while others may experience it as a slow-building tide that refuses to recede. Just as the rains trickle into streams, which link to the rivers which flow into the oceans, so grief needs to run its course. Grief has its own journey within each of us and this journey is like a permanent imprint on our soul. Just as the rains, streams, rivers and oceans will always be there so it is with our own personal grief journey. The only thing that changes in time for us, is our awareness of these rains, streams, rivers, oceans, waves and, in time, our improved abilities to manage with this awareness. Our ability to have comfort in our grief, starts with true understanding that grief does not end, it ebbs and flows in time.
5. Recognizing feelings
Recognizing your feelings is a key part of being able to accept and find comfort in grief. Each person experiences grief differently, so it is important to pay attention to the emotions you are feeling and how they manifest. This can be difficult in times of distress (big waves), but understanding your own responses can help you move through the grieving process. There are several ways to recognize your feelings associated with grief.
Try start by taking note (mentally, or physically in a journal) of how you feel each day and try to identify the specific emotion you’re experiencing. This could be sadness, anger, guilt, confusion or even things like happiness, gratefulness, contentment and reassurance. This process forces you to stop, reflect and recognize your emotional state before you move into your day ahead. This brings your emotional state into your realm of awareness and allows you to begin thinking through how you move forward with the day given your state of mind.
Writing down your emotions in a journal or talking about them with friends or family members can also be helpful for understanding what you’re going through during this difficult time. The more you can think through your current state of mind and work through it mentally, on paper or with others is hugely beneficial. The act of recognizing and calling out the emotion can help to center you and bring awareness to the moment you are in.
Make minor adjustments to your day based on your state of mind. Going out to coffee with friends may not necessarily be the best idea if you've just been hit by a grief wave and you weren't prepared for it. Similarly, you might plan for a lunch with a friend when you are feeling encouraged, more optimistic or even just less sad than the day before.
Taking the time in your week to connect with yourself means you are better able to think about how you feel and then identify what to do about it. In today's fast paced world, this is often the last priority - but if you're serious about moving to a place of finding comfort in grief then this one should be moved up the priority list.
6. Accepting uncomfortable emotions
Accepting uncomfortable emotions is a difficult thing to do, yet so important to the grieving process. As we go through life, it's natural to experience a range of feelings that can be difficult to manage and our natural intuition is to avoid or run from these feelings. This is the way we are wired. This gets us out of short term pain but really is unhealthy for us in the long run. While grief can cause a great deal of pain, understanding and accepting our emotions can help us find comfort in our grief. By acknowledging the discomfort we feel when confronted with sadness, anger or regret, we give ourselves permission to embrace these feelings. The key factor in accepting discomfort is being able to identify what you are feeling and why. Taking time to sit with our emotions without judgment allows us to process them in healthier ways, enabling us to move forward with greater understanding and acceptance. When feeling overwhelmed by grief, it’s important for us to remember that all emotions are temporary and will pass eventually. Through self-care practices such as mindfulness meditation, journaling or even prayer for those spiritually inclined, we can develop healthier relationships with unpleasant emotions, allowing us to find peace amidst the chaos of grief. Think about the last time you experienced your big grief wave. How did you handle it? Did you run from it? Or maybe were you consumed by it? By learning how to effectively acknowledge and accept unpleasant feelings, you will become more resilient and capable of handling stress when it arises.
7. Expressing emotions creatively
When dealing with grief, it can often be difficult to express emotions in a meaningful way. Through the intense waves of emotion we all need our outlet at some stage, to release those emotions and express our feelings. For some of us, this isn't through words, it's through creativity. Expressing emotions creatively can be a great way to provide solace in times of sorrow and despair. Creative outlets such as music, musical composition, poetry, writing, stories, painting, sculpting or drawing allow us to channel our raw emotion into something tangible and meaningful. This type of activity allows us to explore our feelings in a safe space without fear of judgement. This creative space also allows for self-reflection, a hugely important part of the grieving process - a chance to check in with ourselves. Creative expression also encourages social connection through shared experiences. Seeking support from friends or attending events such as group classes or workshops can give us the support we need while allowing us to express ourselves freely through artistic means. The creative space isn't for all of us and maybe it's something you've never considered or tried before. Let this season be a season of trying new things and putting your mind to work on new activities, hobbies and creative projects. Creative expression may be exactly what you need to begin finding moments of comfort through grief. You might just surprise yourself.
8. Engaging in activities that bring joy
Engaging in activities that make us feel good can be an effective form of self-care and can aid in the healing process. Whether it's taking a yoga class, going for a walk in nature, or playing music at home, engaging in activities that bring us joy can help to reduce stress during difficult times. It may be hard to find the motivation or energy to take part in enjoyable activities while grieving, but it is important to sustain our physical and mental well-being during this time. Even if we don't necessarily feel like being active or doing something fun, making an effort can greatly improve our mood and help provide some clarity during moments of darkness. It's not about doing things just for the sake of doing things. We're talking about engaging in any kind of activity that (1) brings you joy and (2) helps you to remember that person in some way. That may be a form of activity but it could just be a particular movie that you loved to watch together, a favourite restaurant or park, or maybe it's even getting out into the garden and creating some beautiful spaces. Spiritwind has a number of memorial products that can enhance your outdoor space and help you to keep your loved one close to your heart in the process. Feel free to browse our range:
They key being that the activity is enjoyable for you and it's symbolic too. You probably know exactly what that activity is for you right now. This association, over time, helps us to become comfortable within our grief and helps us prove to ourselves that we can enjoy things again even though our loved ones are not with us. In many ways this also changes the situation from a sorrowful longing of someone, into a process of celebrating their life. There is a big difference between the two and how each makes us feel inside. If done right, these activities are not designed to "hide" the grief away, but instead they transform sorrow into celebration. A great way to honor, remember and cherish your fondest of memories. Small steps at a time, but have a think about what this is for you and how you can apply it to your life.
9. Talking to supportive people
Loneliness and isolation are common side effects of grief. At times, they are important for us and something we need in order to be in the stillness like we discussed earlier. Isolation over time, however, can become unhealthy and potentially hard to break out of the longer we continue down that path. There is comfort to be found in connecting with supportive people who understand our grief and are willing to listen. Talking to supportive people can provide an invaluable opportunity for catharsis, allowing us to express our feelings without fear of judgement or criticism. Whether seeking out family members or close friends, a professional counsellor or support group, talking about our grief can help us make sense of what has happened and move forward in our lives. Opening up about how we feel can provide emotional respite from the sadness and allow us to process the unique circumstances surrounding the loss of someone we love. More than this, talking about grief with someone who has also been through similar situations may provide some great opportunities for connection, coping mechanisms and comfort. Before this season of grief, do you ever recall opening up to someone about a big issue in your life or work and just by speaking the words out loud you were able to come to some resolution for yourself? We've found this so often. Verbalising our thoughts puts them out into the world and allows us to not only think about what we're saying but process what we're hearing back. Applying this to grief, it has potential for significant benefits and can break some of the thought patterns we've been experiencing up to this point. For most of us, our first outreach is not going to be a professional counsellor or support group, but instead someone we trust, someone who understands, someone who listens. You'll know who that person is and when you're ready to engage with them. When you do, we want you to reflect on how that was for you. How were you feeling before the interaction? How did you feel afterwards? Before we discussed the importance of accepting uncomfortable emotions and often we do this through talking about them and reflecting on them. Connecting with the most supportive people around you is an ideal way to find comfort within your grief journey. You know who this person is for you, so we really encourage you to take that next step when you're ready and connect with them.
Conclusion
Grief is something that we will never be completely free of, but it’s possible to find some level of comfort within the sadness if we take the time to actively search for it. It may seem impossible at first, but there are many different ways to not only cope with grief in the long term but to find comfort within it. We've tried to approach this topic of comfort in grief from two angles; (1) is the lens through which we look at grief - that is to say it is not a season we go through, it's an ocean that stays with us for life; and (2) the physical things we can do in our lives that help us to perceive grief differently and provide us comfort. Both of these angles, combined together over time won't take grief away, but give us a sense of peace and comfort within the grief. In its purest form, grief is a symptom of love. The harder the grief, the more intense our love was for that person. As the waves of grief pass over us throughout the seasons of our life, the comfort comes from knowing that what we are feeling comes from love. Finding comfort in grief means understanding it, sharing it with others, and recognizing the beauty of life despite our sorrow. It also involves learning how to cope with feelings of loss while finding ways to keep the memories alive. Allowing yourself to feel grief and find comfort within it, can help you heal and provide you with a sense of peace, no matter the size of the wave.
Our thoughts are with you as you seek to find your own comfort.
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